As I’ve gotten older and more in-tune with my body-mind-spirit connection, my evening habit of smoking cigarettes has become an increasing source of internal angst… I’ve been an on-again, off-again smoker for the last 2 decades, and I’ve quit many times, but never really in my heart, until last week. Like I said, as I’ve gotten older and more aware, I have not been able to enjoy my evening habit like I used to when I was in my 20’s… it’s like there’s this little anxious voice in the back of my mind reminding me that I have to quit, that I must quit, creating this inner-conflict, and energetically hijacking my evenings. As my inner-conflict with continuing to smoke became more apparent, instead of enjoying my evening cigs, my night began to revolve around them, magnifying the addictive entrapment I’d begun to resent. And so energetically the inner-conflict was sucking the creative energy and focus I was needing to do all of my loving and work-oriented evening rituals; like writing, creating new course content for online classes and workshops, and anything else that helped me feel healthy and beautiful.
And so, I practiced conscious smoking for the last few weeks, in a ritualized, reflective sort of way. I’d sit outside in the evenings, light a candle, smoke, and simply be with the inner-conflict I’d been feeling stuck in the middle of. I breathed with it, didn’t distract myself with phone calls… And yes, entrapment came up so strongly for me, consciously smoking magnified this feeling that I didn’t like at all. Consciously smoking, feeling the entrapment that I didn’t like, opened my heart to the pain of a conscious good bye to a 20 year long relationship with cigarettes. And my God, a feeling of loneliness came up for me as well at the thought of good-bye.
So, for a week, I sat with the lonely, the trapped, the grieving in preparation for good-bye, and asked for spiritual support. I prayed that my desire to control or be controlled would be released. When in an on-again smoking phase, controlled by my habit is what I’d feel, and when in an off-again smoking phase, controlling my behavior and desires is what I’d feel, which would eventually energetically take it’s toll on me. It’s tiring to try and control it all! But, in asking for spiritual support to help me relinquish those desires altogether, I began to feel a shift. I began to feel less attached. And then I began to envision all that I’d rather be doing with my evenings… all of the radical self-care practices I’d created for myself, and being more organized and disciplined with my writing projects and creation of new course material. My radical self-care consisted of beautifying nightly rituals of caring for myself, a meditation practice to connect to my spirit, listening to music or an inspirational audio book, getting some fresh air (either meditating outside, doing a few yoga poses outside, or taking a quick brisk walk), and using my essential oil diffuser.
It felt so good and so freeing to imagine what it would be like to take back my nights again! And because I’m a full time mom by day, and an entrepreneur by night, I realized how absolutely essential it would for me to have relaxing rituals to end my day of mothering, before I began my evening of working. Cause I realized that that was a part of the appeal of smoking for me; it allowed me some time to just chill out after a long day! And so after grieving, praying for spiritual support, and envisioning my evenings without cigarettes, I let them go last week. And ever since, I’ve been feeling more connected to myself, writing more, coming up with some new online course and workshop ideas, and overall, feeling much more aligned with my highest good. So, no more nightly inner-conflict draining my energy to create. Yay! And so everyday will be a practice of staying connected to my highest good, keeping up my prayers for spiritual support, and doing all the things that help me feel free, creative, and healthy. What are you struggling to be free from? What is in alignment with your highest good?
Stay tuned for an online course and workshop on letting go of old habits… :)