The feelings that threaten to topple over the whole tower of cards... the feelings we avoid at all costs, the feelings we try and push down, the feelings that we're afraid of.. the anxiety that we experienced four years ago that kept us awake at night... so that any glimpse of anxiety that shows up now, we run the other way, we drink an extra glass of wine, smoke a bowl, take a pill... Or for me, the sorrow I experienced all year, the pain so deep it physically hurt, the pain that kept me from tending to much else besides me and my kids... When we deny that anxiety, or that sadness, or whatever other feeling it is we don't want to feel, well, when it shows up, it has so much power over us. Just surrender to the feelings when they arise, sit with them, get to know them, offer them love, and then let them pass through us so they don't get stuck, or else they are always there in the background, threatening to topple over the tower. If we just surrender to them, without fearing them, without fearing that we will drown in them, while staying connected to our spiritual center, our source of love, and realize that the ups and downs of the emotions we feel are a part of being human, well, then we can simply notice when they arise, without stuffing them, fearing them, denying them, resisting them, just let them come and see what it is they have to teach us. And then offer ourselves comfort and compassion with a inner-knowing, a faith so strong, reminding us that we can get through anything... And being honest with ourselves, yes, there are days, there are moments, when it hurts, when we feel our humanness on every level, and the best thing we can do for ourselves is just be there in loving support, and hold the candle as a reminder that this too shall pass.
And today I woke up with sadness as I awoke from a dream. I dreamed that Mitch and I were re-united, like he never died, like he had been away somewhere... And the embrace, oh so real. I woke up with a closed heart, an aching heart, and at first I avoided it, so that all I felt was anger and constriction in my heart. And then I decided to move my body, move it through me. I played a Pink song, and I started to dance, and intuitively began to open my heart, open my chest, and then tears. And then after a little while, the tears passed. I chose to meet my feelings with courage (my only other option was to feel anger and constriction), and they literally moved right through me as I danced. And this is life, there are no perfect persons who feel perfectly happy all the time, we can learn to find our center of calm, and know that our ability to feel, that our feelings are the source of both love and pain in this life. To feel; it is a part of the human experience, and if feeling pain allows us to feel the love too, well then, it's a no-brainer, gotta feel to really and truly be fully alive to this experience of life.