I moved! What is your relationship to movement?

What is your relationship to movement? When I say movement, I can mean one of several things depending on what is present for you now... Movement for me as of lately has meant physically moving houses in order to free up some stagnant energy, literally calling in the air element to help bring more fluidity, more freedom into my life, as I knew it was time to move, but I had some fears about making the change. So, I got to the root. Acknowledgement of the fears, the stagnancy so that I could move through them, so they could move through me, to free me to make the necessary changes in my life. So, the root, well, the one that resonated for me was that my relationship to moving houses had been accompanied by stress and a feeling of powerlessness for the last ten years of my life. I was married to a man that loved movement, change, fluidity, and so for better or for worse, we were moving all the time, more than ten times in ten years! And seeing as I am a taurus, a very Earthy sign and person, this caused quite a bit of disharmony for me. And so in getting to the root, I was able to able to see that although moving in the past had been accompanied by feelings of powerlessness and stress, currently, not moving was creating feelings of powerlessness and stress. And so by acknowledging my feelings, they were able to pass through me, freeing the stagnant energy in my body and in my life, and I moved! I moved to a beautiful eco yoga lodge, and I love it! And my babies love it too!

What is your relationship to movement? Is your current environment serving you? Do you feel at home in your home? Is it time to move, or perhaps time to create and free more space in your current home through feng shui or movement of furniture or clutter? Or perhaps just explore your relationship to moving your body, what is that like? Do you find receptivity to exercise, to expressive movement, or do you find resistance, restriction?

Here is a link to exercise #2: Authentic Movement, where you can explore your relationship to moving your body. http://www.lunasoulspeak.com/inviteillumination/ password: inviteillumination

Enjoy and get moving!

Feeling Grateful on My Birthday

Birthdays, to count the number of Earth days we are so blessed to enjoy. A precious gift are these days looking into the sweetest smiles of babies, little girls. Birthday presents, one for her, one for her, one for me. After she so thoughtfully chooses her present to me, sunglasses, she knows mine broke, we get ice cream, pick up a baby cake and some groceries, and they both fall asleep on the way home, sleepy and sweaty from this Costa Rican heat. We pass a motorcyclist who lay motionless on the side of the road, police have just arrived on the scene, his bike lay in the middle of the curvy mountain road. My eyes fill with tears, I pray for the light of angels to surround him, I hope he is alive. I pull up to my house, I keep the car running and unload the bags, and then I scoop up both of my girls into my arms. They stay sound asleep. I am so damn grateful that I get to be the one to do this, I almost cry from sheer gratitude. I remember a time when this would make me feel mad at Mitch for not being here to help me, or sorry for myself, but now I know what a gift this is to be here, to be the one to hold them. I hug them with enough love from the both of us, both me and Mitch. Sushi for my birthday tonight, me and my girls, my daughter is so excited for me to wear my new dress from grandma Thank you for the love, so grateful for my dear friends and family that lift me up in Spirit.

Know Thyself

Sometimes it's hard to write, to understand, from the inside out, sometimes you have to wait until you've passed through the clouds in order to write about them, cause when you're in them, well, it's cloudy, hard to see, hard to describe. But when you've come through into the light again, then it can be easier to write about, easier to make sense of... from the outside in, piecing together the truth, bit by bit. And so for the past two months I have been analyzing my husband Mitch and I's relationship, all the things that weren't so perfect, rediscovering and discovering myself, apart from him.

Because the thing is, ever since he died, I have kept him so close, clung onto him, learned to connect with him spiritually as if my own life depended on it. And so, two months ago, I stepped back, away from the relationship. I looked at me out of the relationship, I looked at me in the relationship, went back and forth between blaming him and blaming me for the contrast we experienced as a couple, and now, right now, I feel like I am emerging from this watery canal, feel as if I am being birthed from this experience, and this is life, isn't it? A series of moments, some absolutely defining and transformative, all the while each moment in between those aha! moments are all a part of the tapestry, shaping, telling, experiencing....

And so stepping away from the relationship, I settle into me without the oneness of him and me, but rather the knowing him, the knowing me, two different people that chose to be together, and yet I come back to myself. I reel myself in, put all the pieces of me together, and honor who it is that I am, what it is that I love, what it is that I want in this life, and appreciate and accept Mitch, as he was then, and as he is now.

Cause how often are we so entangled in our romantic relationships, that we forget where we end and the other person begins, we blame, we feel guilt, we forget that we are simply each unique individuals, with unique preferences and histories. And so, know thyself, honor thyself, and it will be much easier to know and honor thy partner, to take things less personally, to stop morphing into one another, losing good parts of ourselves in the process.... So, hold up the mirror and look into your own eyes, look deep into your own heart, what is true for you right now that is seeking expression? And how can you honor what is true for you right now?

Rooted and rising with each breath and each step

Oh me, oh my, the grief process, 16 months since my husband died, it's like traveling down a long dirt country road, lined with trees that seem to grow into each other so it's like you're in a little tree cave, light peeking in here and there, with no apparent end in sight, and not quite sure what the final destination looks like or feels like. And with each step choosing, or not, to walk with trust that the next step will keep you moving forward, that you will continue moving toward peace, toward healing, toward wholeness.

Now, I sit with the imperfections of our relationship, the inner-reality versus what we showed to the world. Reclaiming my way, rediscovering and uncovering what that looks like, being real with what it was, what it wasn't, what it is, and what it will never be. And standing tall in my own foundation, building and rebuilding, brick by brick. Anger at him, anger at me, I ping pong back and forth, until I decide to let go of the blame. I float in the pool, I look up and the moon is my anchor. I have called on him everyday since he died, in one way or another, still looking for his guidance, looking to follow his lead, and now it is time to look to myself, to my knowing, to my way.

As I walk up the hill to our hotel room in Nicaragua with my baby strapped to my body while pushing my toddler in the stroller, I am struck with the reality of this physical world. It's me. And this must be how it was meant to be, quite simply because this is how it is. The questions I have had, held onto, desperately seeking answers to, I lay to rest, I come to accept his way of life, his way of death, I let it rest, I let it be. Now is when I focus on me. Embracing this she, that was the other half to his he.

I hold this spiritual reality in one hand, and this physical reality in the other, and I bring both of my hands together in prayer, and the two worlds merge. And I emerge, more whole, more on this earth. Rooted and rising with each breath and each step.

Passed loved ones birthday, to eat cake or not to eat cake...

The journey through grief is such a solitary one, you can surround yourself with loved ones, mentors, and wise guides, but the one that knows what's best for you, the one that truly knows exactly how it is you're feeling, and what it is you need, is always going to be you...My husband would have turned 34 years old today on his Birthday, and leading up to this day, heaviness, sadness. Lots of process work, journaling, listening to and singing Adele, crying out to the ocean... I knew I wanted to be able to celebrate his life with my daughters today. And so I had planned to have a little birthday cake, grab dinner out, go to the beach, make it a joyful day, doing all of the things Mitch loved doing on his birthday, but at the last minute, I doubted the piece about celebrating with a cake, a friend's words repeated in my mind, he's gone.... And yes true, and when I had mentioned to my 3 ½ year old daughter Ava that we would be celebrating daddy's birthday, she replied, but he's an angel... And I said, I know, he won't be there, well, he'll be there, but not in the ways we've known before... And so I didn't pick up a little cake. And then today rolled around, and I wished I had, for me, for my daughter, for Mitch... For me, there's just comfort in honoring Mitch, especially on special days like his Birthday with some type of ritual, with some type of celebration that gets my little ones involved in the remembering of their daddy, and there was something about the cake that was warming and comforting. And we did celebrate, we went out for pizza, got ice cream, went to the beach, played in the pool, saw some friends, and in the end, we stuck a candle in the pizza and sang happy birthday... A lesson to me, to appreciate the support of loved ones, but know that the one who knows me best, that knows what it is I need, what is best for our family, is me. And to trust that, to seek wise counsel, advice, and support, but at the end of the day, go inward to find the answers that I am seeking because it is only I that walks in these shoes, or rather flip flops these days. Trust your inner-guidance.

Truth be found when we stop running and start breathing

The beauty is always found in the remembering, the remembering that all of the answers, inspirations, creativity, and connectivity, come not when I am striving, thinking, agitated, afraid, overwhelmed, but when I am fully present to the beauty all around me and within me. As I undergo the transition of my business evolving into being more of “me,” (upgrading my website, changing my business name into a name that is me and all that goes along with doing that), I spent a couple of days feeling overwhelmed, the overwhelm springing forth from the underlying fear that I couldn't do what I was trying to do, and that there was not enough time for me to do it. Now, it's so easy to simply stay in that state of overwhelm, feeling like if we slow down at all to get to the root of the chaos that we might never get to where we are going... And that's exactly what I did for two days, stayed feeling overwhelmed, not present when my daughters were awake, wishing them down for their naps and sleep at night so that I could get to the overwhelming amount of work I thought I had... That at one point, I woke up, and I thought, is this how I want to move through my life? I am going to be busy for a long, and I have responsibilities (bills & kids), and is this how I want to experience being “busy?”

That's when I realized the fears that were driving my sense of overwhelm were that I couldn't quite possibly do everything I needed to do, and that there was simply not enough time in each day to do it... And so, those two self-imposed limiting thoughts were the first to go, once I slowed down enough to realize what was happening, to become aware of the thoughts driving my running-around-like-a-chicken-with-her-head cut-off behavior. I simply decided upon that awareness that that was not how I wanted to navigate through this very busy, but very exciting time in my life. I had to let go of the perfectionist desire to go to bed every night having everything “all done.” That would probably not be my life for a long time, or forever really, maybe not until I was about ready to transition into the next life... And that all of “this,” this work, this time with my baby girls, has to be fun, it has to be enjoyable, or else, what is the point, really? I needed to reframe what was happening in my life, it is not stressful, overwhelming, it is full, it is exciting, and as B-school founder, Marie Forleo would say, it was all “figure-outable.” It was time to let go of all of this; “there's not enough time, I can't do it” nonsense and expand right out of that shell that was no longer fitting. And remember again and again, that all of the answers I seek are always found when I am just presently enjoying my life in each moment (so I keep a notebook around so I can jot down inspired ideas), like when I am cooking for myself and my daughters, sweeping the floors, doing the laundry, playing barbies with my daughter, nursing my baby, tidying up the house... Quite simply when I am seeing the sacred in all of it, every little bit of it. So, when you feel like you're running around in circles, STOP, just stop, breathe in the beauty all around you, breathe, and lovingly engage with the people around you, with your home, with nature, and remember that life is beautiful and to be enjoyed.

Yoga-ing around the house

Seeing yoga in a completely different light today... After I put little ones down for their nap, I decided self-love was what I needed to turn my day around, I decided yesterday that when I felt “off,” I would do nothing other than connect to my Spirit and the Spirit all around me. And so, I began a yoga practice unlike any other I've engaged in before. My yoga practice consisted of feeling into my body, stretching, breathing, and flowing as I did my chores around the house... the washing of the dishes, the laundry, the sweeping, the picking up of things on the floor... each movement, deliberate, conscious, a pose to hold, to move through as I “worked” and yoga'ed throughout my house. And then it just felt so darn good that after I finished the tending of the house, I went into a full blown practice, but a deeply inspired one. And as I practiced, I had the idea, or the realization that as I stretched my muscles through each pose, strengthening and lengthening, burning excess fat in the process, I thought about what it really meant to dedicate the practice to a person, or persons... As I imagined the crown of my head opening, and receiving the energy of our divine source entering in through this chakra, I imagined it flowing throughout my body, my breath and each pose directing it where it was needed most, dissolving clustered energy, each breath of this prana, or life force energy freeing my body to feel, to move, to be, more easily. I imagined this energy dissolving, burning, and flowing right out the tips of my fingers and the four corners of my feet, and then I understood what it meant to dedicate my practice to another, and visualized this loving, life force energy moving toward someone else in need. It was a deeply moving practice. As you engage in your regular routines around your home, try slowing down and feeling into your body as you move, stretching, strengthening, deliberately breathing, you will be surprised at how your body knows exactly how it needs to move in order to release excess energy stored as tension or pain. And as you focus on deliberate cleansing breaths, feeling into your body, stretching, and strengthening, your mind will calm, and you will open yourself up to fresh ideas, inspiration, and creativity. How can you live a more intentional life this week?

Letting go in the form of hurling my i-phone into the ocean

After someone close to us dies, there are certain physical things that we can literally hold onto that give us comfort, that remind us of our loved one, that represent them in this physical world, that provide emotional comfort. But when that thing which was once was a source of comfort becomes a source of angst, sadness, anger, heaviness, or stress, it signifies that it is time to release that which you were holding onto, it is time to let it go.

This just came up for me in my own life. After my husband, Mitch, passed away 14 months ago, I began using his i-phone after mine “mysteriously” broke the morning after I had a dream that I dropped it in a pool of water. I held onto his phone like my life depended on it. I relished in all of his music, his photos, the messages we had sent back and forth to one another. I held it so close to my heart. Magical and mysterious things had happened with that phone, a new playlist surfaced weeks after he passed entitled, horses, and I felt every song was from his heart to mine. I looked at the otter-box cover with the camouflage coloring and I felt him. And then about 10 days ago, I asked Mitch to help me in releasing him a bit more, I asked him to help me release another layer of sadness in my heart, I asked him to help me let go a bit more. And then shortly after that, the i-phone no longer held a charge. I had to keep it plugged in in order for it to maintain a 1% charge. I panicked. I performed reiki (energy healing) on the phone, which worked for a short time, until the battery just slowly died once again, but held onto that thread of 1%. I called a friend and reiki healer to meet for a walk on the beach yesterday. I brought the phone in hopes that she, being a master, could heal my phone for real (in simply changing the battery, I risked the entire contents of the phone being erased). So I asked her, but then shared that I wondered if this was another lesson for me in letting go. She concurred with the latter. She encouraged me to release the phone. She held it before my eyes, assuring me that Mitch was not in the phone, the phone was not Mitch. The tears flowed, and flowed, and flowed. Deep in my heart, I knew she was right. I knew this was a lesson in letting go. She asked me if I was ready to release the phone, I knew the answer within was a yes as much as I cried. We walked to the top of one of the rocks along the rocky part of the shore. I looked down at the sea and was reminded of all the courageous things Mitch had always encouraged me to do, always stretching me to challenge myself, to step outside of my comfort zone, and jumping off a high rock into the ocean had been one of them. I smiled. A few butterflies swirled around me in the winds, the sea spray from the waves crashing against the rocks urged me that the time to release the phone was now. I looked down by my feet and saw a beautiful flower that had fallen from the tree above me. I picked it up, held it on top of the phone, said a prayer, wished Mitch release and freedom and myself the same. My friend stood beside me as my support, and I let go. My tears had dried and I hurled the phone into the ocean. I smiled. I thanked Mitch. And I immediately put the intention out into the universe that I was open and ready to be gifted with a new i-phone, as that had been my only camera. So for those of you reading that may have an extra that is looking for a home, I will willingly receive it with open arms and an open heart. I hugged my friend. I walked away feeling a little lighter and a little braver. And now I ask you to ask yourself, what is it time to let go of in your own life?

When someone offers advice or makes a remark that annoys the heck out of you...

What to do when someone offers advice or makes a remark that annoys the heck out of you, or triggers feelings of anger, or insecurity? Get to the heart of the issue... it's more about what was said than about the person who said it, and even more about what feelings are stirred up within ourselves in response to what was said. So, the challenge? Before immediately reacting to what was said with a sarcastic remark, angry silence, or outright combative stance, sit with what was said, internally sit with the feelings associated with what was just said. For example, I shared with a certain someone in my life about Ava's latest trend of going into her bedroom and slamming the door when she's angry. The response I received to my share went something like this, “she's only 3 years old, did you do that when you were 3 years old? She needs to learn what is acceptable behavior. I hope you don't mind me offering my advice.” My internal response to this was not a good one. So, instead of responding immediately to the remark in anger or annoyance (it was via email), I sat with the feelings that it stirred up inside of me, as much as I didn't want to. As uncomfortable as it was to sit with the feelings, feelings that I felt in the pit of my stomach, I realized a few things. Those remarks stirred up fears within me of not being a good enough parent, that I should be doing something other than what I'm actually doing. And that there is something “wrong” with my daughter. So, where to go from there? First, reassure myself that I am a perfect parent for my child, and that on some level we both chose each other. Second, realize that my daughter is imperfectly perfect (as we all are), and that with time, compassion, and creativity, we will figure out how to how to channel anger and frustration in healthy ways. And third, see what is positive about the situation; she is clearly embracing a newfound sense of independence in going into her room and slamming her door and learning how to take time-outs for herself (yes, we can work on the slamming part, but that's okay), and that she feels secure enough in my love for her that she is able to express big, “negative” emotions such as her anger. And finally, offer myself some grace, this is new for both of us and we both need time to figure it out, and that is my right as a parent. And in getting to the heart of this situation, which actually had nothing to do with the other person other than she helped illuminate some areas of myself that needed healing, I was able to release the feelings of annoyance and insecurity that were revealed. And so how did I respond to her advice? In short, that Ava and I would work through it together like we always did, and that if I needed advice, I would definitely ask, that she needn't worry, and that I loved her. And she responded oh so kindly. Relationship crisis averted, a healthy and loving boundary set, and a chance to offer myself some extra love and reassurance, something that we all need from time to time.

Let go of old habits peacefully & enjoy your newfound freedom

If there's one thing I've learned about letting go of old habits and replacing them with new, healthier ones, is that the last thing you do is condemn and hate the thing you are looking to let go of (whether it be cigarettes, over-eating, television, alcohol, weed, drugs)... The reason being because whatever it is you are trying to let go of, has most probably served a crucial purpose in your life at some point.

For example, when I quit smoking cigarettes, the time that actually stuck was when I wrote the story of our meeting, the circumstances that brought us together, my reasons for trying them, what purpose they served then, what purpose they served over the years, and what purpose they were serving in the present, as well as how they were affecting me in the present, and then gratitude for them. Cause chances are, whatever you are trying to let go of has been a companion, a silent witness to all the sh*t you've experienced over the years. And then a good-bye, a grieving for them as you write about how they are affecting you now, I am assuming that if you are trying to let go of some habit, then it is having adverse affects on you in one way or another (guilt, shame, compromised health and immunity, etc). And don't be surprised if you cry during any of this process.

After you say good-bye to whatever it is you are trying to let go, be clear about what you will do instead that feels healthier and more aligned with body, mind, heart, and spirit health that can also serve the purpose that your vice served. So, for example if the purpose of your vice was relaxation, (but chances are when you first started it served a completely different purpose), what can you do for yourself that will relax you now (with special importance to doing this new thing during the times you would normally smoke or engage in your habit)?

I recommend engaging your senses to aid in this process. For example, if you were a nighttime smoker like I was, during the time you would go and smoke, light incense or a floral scented candle, create a sacred space in some part of your house, so you can enjoy your alone time if you normally smoked alone, read a page from a sacred or inspirational text, take a bath, write in a journal, paint, listen to or play music, rub a calming essential oil on your neck, make a yummy cup of tea, meditate, do yoga, whatever it is, let it be something you enjoy, something you can look forward to. Implement a new ritual that is loving, healing, and brings a sense of peace.

And if you start smoking again, or start whatever it is you were trying to let go of, be gentle with yourself, be loving, be kind, treat yourself as you would your best friend. Write your way through it, seek support from a loving friend or professional helper, and notice any tendencies to condemn yourself harshly, judge or criticize yourself, notice what it is you are saying and feeling toward yourself, notice and choose what kind of a relationship you would like to have with yourself moving forward... More loving, more gentle, more patient, and begin now. Wrap yourself in a loving embrace, pray for divine intervention to help you fulfill your intention, and forgive yourself. And when you're ready, go through the process of letting go once more. And believe in yourself, and if you don't believe in yourself, decide that you are ready to now to be the kind of person who does believe in herself. A wonderful prayer I heard from Dr. Christiane Northrup was “Dear Beloved, change me into a person who... lets go of what is no longer in service of her mind, body, heart, and spirit health (or you fill in the blank).” And surrender to your humanness, praise your spiritualness, and enjoy your feeling of FREEDOM when you let go!

Feeling the feelings we avoid like hell...

The feelings that threaten to topple over the whole tower of cards... the feelings we avoid at all costs, the feelings we try and push down, the feelings that we're afraid of.. the anxiety that we experienced four years ago that kept us awake at night... so that any glimpse of anxiety that shows up now, we run the other way, we drink an extra glass of wine, smoke a bowl, take a pill... Or for me, the sorrow I experienced all year, the pain so deep it physically hurt, the pain that kept me from tending to much else besides me and my kids... When we deny that anxiety, or that sadness, or whatever other feeling it is we don't want to feel, well, when it shows up, it has so much power over us. Just surrender to the feelings when they arise, sit with them, get to know them, offer them love, and then let them pass through us so they don't get stuck, or else they are always there in the background, threatening to topple over the tower. If we just surrender to them, without fearing them, without fearing that we will drown in them, while staying connected to our spiritual center, our source of love, and realize that the ups and downs of the emotions we feel are a part of being human, well, then we can simply notice when they arise, without stuffing them, fearing them, denying them, resisting them, just let them come and see what it is they have to teach us. And then offer ourselves comfort and compassion with a inner-knowing, a faith so strong, reminding us that we can get through anything... And being honest with ourselves, yes, there are days, there are moments, when it hurts, when we feel our humanness on every level, and the best thing we can do for ourselves is just be there in loving support, and hold the candle as a reminder that this too shall pass.

And today I woke up with sadness as I awoke from a dream. I dreamed that Mitch and I were re-united, like he never died, like he had been away somewhere... And the embrace, oh so real. I woke up with a closed heart, an aching heart, and at first I avoided it, so that all I felt was anger and constriction in my heart. And then I decided to move my body, move it through me. I played a Pink song, and I started to dance, and intuitively began to open my heart, open my chest, and then tears. And then after a little while, the tears passed. I chose to meet my feelings with courage (my only other option was to feel anger and constriction), and they literally moved right through me as I danced. And this is life, there are no perfect persons who feel perfectly happy all the time, we can learn to find our center of calm, and know that our ability to feel, that our feelings are the source of both love and pain in this life. To feel; it is a part of the human experience, and if feeling pain allows us to feel the love too, well then, it's a no-brainer, gotta feel to really and truly be fully alive to this experience of life.

Spiritual Practice; cause we forget, we must integrate, and we can always get higher...

After experiencing a state of spiritual enlightenment (that ah ha moment when you are in complete alignment with all that is, when you suddenly have a glimpse of the true meaning of life, when you are in complete present moment awareness and “see the light,” experience an awakening...), that can be induced through drugs, chanting, trauma, near-death experience, meditation, birth, a manic episode, sex, yoga, or even spontaneously...Well, then comes the part of the process where we must digest, we must integrate into our daily lives, into our relationships all that we've discovered or experienced during our enlightened state.

Thich Nhat Hanh sums this up beautifully when he says, “before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water.” I think he says this because after we experience a state of enlightenment, our natural inclination is to want to repeat the means in order to continuously achieve the ends, but then life still carries on as usual... So, if you had your enlightened state of mind through meditation, your natural inclination will be to want to meditate all the time to maintain that enlightened state, or if the enlightened state of mind was achieved when smoking marijuana, the natural inclination will be to want to smoke marijuana all the time to maintain that state. But, seeing as we live in the physical world, where we all have responsibilities, we cannot be meditating all day, or smoking marijuana all day, well, some of us can, but not the average person, and then even if we could, we'd end up suffering because of our attachment to it...

And so we can begin to make it a daily practice to awaken, to stay awake, as we experienced in our enlightened state, so that over time, each part of our day, each moment of our day, we can begin to fully feel alive to the true meaning and purpose of what it is we're living for (love, God, service, peace, joy, gratitude), and living fully in the present moment with all of our spiritual truths... And so this is why we maintain a spiritual practice even after we've experienced an enlightened state... because we forget, we must integrate, and we can always get higher in light, love, and awareness ;)

So, what is a spiritual practice? Exactly what is sounds like, an act you consciously choose to do that connects you to your spiritual Self, connects you to others, connects you to the Divine/Universe/God (much more on this topic of spiritual practice later).

Helping Kids Move Through Painful Feelings

I noticed my three year old daughter, Ava, acting out her anger, her frustration, her sadness, unable to fully articulate or perhaps even understand what is was she was feeling. I first noticed this acting out as we started spending more time with her friend and her friend's family... As Ava began taking a liking to her friend's father, she began to talk about her own missing physical daddy more often, and then began to get angry with her friend. It didn't seem fair that her friend had a daddy, and she didn't (what I observed and helped her articulate)... And so my job, to take notice, to create space where she could be free to feel without fear of being “too much,” create healthy and creative outlets (art, dance, play) for her feelings, to create an open dialogue with her to help her understand her feelings without shame, and with a lot of love. The only boundary was to be kind toward others, so that even though she was processing painful feelings, she was not hurting her friends in the process. And interestingly, for the longest time, she was afraid of all darkness in her kid movies, all of the bad guys in the Disney movies became a source of anxiety, and she preferred to simply not watch at all. And I noticed as she started acting out some of her own darkness, her own painful, “scary” feelings such as anger and frustration, and as I allowed her the safe space to do so, without telling her all the time to “be nice,” and that everything was “ok” if it wasn't, I noticed her fears and tolerance for the darker aspects of the characters in movies begin to shift. Perhaps as she was beginning to understand, embrace her own darker parts, she didn't have to feel so afraid or rejecting of the darker parts in others. All of a sudden she was drawing giants (previously feared) in her chalk pictures on the patio, and she wanted to watch, “How to Train Your Dragon,” a movie I cannot imagine her having chosen in the past (and by the way, is an awesome movie!). As we begin to illuminate, shine the light onto our darkness, we will be less likely to hate them or fear them when we see them show up in others.... And we can understand ourselves, infuse compassion into our struggle, and loosen the ropes we find ourselves entangled in. And as we find healthy ways to express these, move through these, we will keep growing and expanding beyond the limitations of our former shell, and begin to allow the shedding of a skin that no longer fits...

Beach Pondering and Poses that are Heart Opening

As I walked along the beach this morning, I noticed my shadow, for the first time noticed it was just me, just my shadow, no pair, no partner walking beside me in this physical realm. I didn't cry with this seemingly simple revelation, just noticed, but for the first time really. As connected as I feel with Mitch in the spiritual realm, in this earthly physical realm it was just me now, I was no longer a part of a couple. I straightened by spine and stood a little taller with each step, admiring the reflection of my own strength, my own poise, and continued walking with a humble sort of pride in my step, I was proud of who I was. And as I walked I pondered how I didn't feel alone, everyday I engaged with my Self, everyday I engaged with my children, and everyday I engaged with a blessed friend or family member. This year I had learned to be “alone.” It was the most pained year I had ever experienced, and yet the most blessed year I had ever experienced.

And then I went to a yoga class, and what do you know? It was exactly what I needed, although I can't say I was surprised... The theme of the class today was love, and each pose we did was intended to open the heart. By the end of the class as we lay in shivasana, or corpse pose, I began to cry, I cried as I felt the tingly sensation that connects me to Mitch, that connects me to the divine. I cried tears of thanks for his presence, and leftover tears of sadness for his physical death, it felt like the emotional cleanse I needed. Ah life, this life, bringing me exactly what it was that I needed this morning, but then it always does one way or another, right? And so I let the tears flow until they were done, and thanked the teacher and my dear friend for inviting me to the class, and then went about my day with my heart just a little more opened than it was when I arrived.

Coming Full Circle

My girls and I just spent one month back in California after ten months of having been away... When I left California last February to move to Costa Rica, I wasn't sure how long I'd be gone, I actually booked a return ticket for one month later, but that was just to be safe... I knew I was meant to stay, I had followed a very strong intuitive knowing in moving to this place I had lived years before with my beloved hubby. Yes, what a month in Cali, a lot of letting go's, saying good-bye's, moving forwards, and inviting in the new and exciting. It sort of felt as if in going back, I had come full circle. The one year anniversary of my husband's passing came just before my trip, and going back felt like a time to relax, catch up with family and friends (wish I'd had more time for friends...), reflect, feel proud of myself, and get excited for the new year, with this year's focus being on love, joy, and success, and inspiring that in others through my spiritual health services, ie. counseling, writing, meditation, and creative expression workshops, helping others discover and embrace their authentic Selves, heal, and transform experiences from the darkest of nights into the lightest of days, and write, write, write. This is a year of giving back, enjoying the fruits of my labor, which is the peace I feel now after having healed through the darkest of days when my husband passed in December of 2012, loving and supporting my daughters and myself, and listening and trusting my intuition. So, we've been back in Costa Rica for a few days now, and I've enjoyed catching up with friends, de-cluttering my house, really creating a space of ease and clarity, and resting. Now, I learn to honor my body's wisdom, and rest when I need to rest, clean when I need to clean, work when I need to work, cook when I need to cook, without a lot of the resistance I have had in the past, and this time with an infusion of ease and surrender into each of these processes, and it is a process... Try to find the joy in what you do, and the compassion for who you are, life is what we make of it, with a lot of divine intervention and guidance along the way... Blessings!

One Year Since You Died; A Letter to My Husband

It's been nearly one year since you passed away, one year already since I saw you last. Wow. You have successfully helped me believe in life after “death,” and have shown me many ways I can connect with you, I love you for that, for guiding me through this period of my life without you, well, without you physically. You have completely changed my view of death. I was so scared of it before, ever since I was a child, and I'm not scared anymore. And I don't doubt that the spirit of each of us will live on after we die and continue to evolve through the stages of our soul's life, and I know one day we will give life another go, together, I assume it will be a more evolved union by then :). I know I've learned and grown so much from this, and I'm sure you have too. My goodness, growth on fast forward! You have given me the beautiful gift of believing, of having faith... I believe in your spiritual presence, I believe in the presence of angels, I believe in the spirit within all of life. Yes, all those years together of you trying to get me to have more faith in you, to believe everything would work out, well, this was the final test, the final lesson that will be an eternally ongoing one, and despite the pain, I am truly grateful for the truth that was revealed. Oh Mitch and our sweet little girls, Ava, oh my, she is a lot like you... with a strong mind of her own, and little Ams, sweet little Amelie, popped out looking a lot like you! Although I don't have to tell you, you were there, and are here to witness these two precious little peanuts... This has been the worst year, and yet one of the best years of my life. You died, and all the pain that came along with it, but this is also the year Amelie was born, this is the year Ava and I moved to Costa Rica, the year I graduated with my Master's degree, this is the year that I became aware of just how supported I am, and this is the year I learn to trust in myself and in life. Yes, it has been nearly one year since you died, I have nearly written a book already from this experience, thank you for that, I knew I wanted to write one, but didn't know what about... I have seen just how strong I am, I have seen just how supported I am, I have seen a lot my dear. I love you everyday and will continue to write you letters like I'm doing now, I will continue to tell Ava and Amelie stories about you and about our life together, I will continue to teach Ava how to connect with you (I'm pretty certain Amelie can see you, so don't have to help there...), I will stay awake to the beauty of each moment of this precious life we are living, and I will look ahead with faith and excitement for what's to come. I will live by your credo, “make it happen,” I will follow my joy in life as you always encouraged, and I will trust that it's all going to unfold beautifully, and just as it should. Thank you for ten beautiful years my darling. I love you. Be at peace, it's all good...

Nearly one year of grieving, and I feel a shift...

Hallelujah, Amen, holy mother, something happened the other day. For the first time since Amelie was born, four months ago, I went for a walk, by myself, and it felt so good. I walked along the ocean, contemplated my life, where I am now, where I've been, where I want to go. I thought of Rumi's words, “dive into the boiling sea of passion and all grief with run from you,” and I literally felt with each step I was leaving my sadness behind, walking into the next horizon, the next season, the next chapter of my life, with my husband so close to me. Sending him peace, sending me peace, and seeing in brilliant color the vision for this next part of my life. Now is when I fully embrace my work as a healer, as a writer, now is when I truly enjoy my life. I envision myself taking Ava boogie boarding, I envision me taking myself surfing. I envision myself giving my daughters the best life, and giving myself the best life, because now is the moment that I realize I deserve it. I've always deserved it, but now is the moment that I fully realize it, as all of my grief, all of my suffering, and all of my pain have led to this beautiful light horizon. My God, I thank all that is holy, I recognize it and I praise it. Every. Single. Day.

Letting go of the guilt as the grief lifts...

There's a guilt that comes as a heavy layer of grief lifts, as another layer of letting go is exposed, as I start to feel better...I really loved him you know, ten years of my life, I'm just trying to heal... Yes, a certain guilt when you let go of another layer of grief, especially when someone else is still cloaked in a heavy sadness for him, when they're still crying, and I'm not crying as much... Part of me wants to justify my feelings, I still love him too, I've been sad too... As if my love is measured in how long I grieve. Everyone goes through their own process of grieving when someone close to them dies, and goes through their own healing process too. Ahh, the pain of being heartbroken after someone dies, and then the guilt of starting to feel better... This part can't last, I know he knows I love him. I decide to give myself and everyone around me permission to go through their own process in their own time. I send my beloved love and embrace each moment of joy I feel. I let go of that nagging guilt, it's okay to heal, it's okay to feel better, it doesn't mean I don't love him still.

Another layer of healing exposed

How much time is enough, what's too long, what's too little, to grieve a loss such as this? Well, honestly, I have processed my husband's loss every night ever since it happened last December, every night I meditate, or I write, or I blog, or I call a supportive someone. I have kept a candlelight vigil for my emotions to find expression, held them long into the night, cried to the ocean as I walked along the shores like a ghost, I have howled at the moon begging for another chance, I have connected with his spirit, heard his voice felt his energetic embrace, I have screamed in anguish, gritted teeth, danced, I have sung him songs of my love and sorrow, I have birthed our second daughter, I have doubted the spiritual world, I have experienced the spiritual world, and here I stand nearly a year later feeling more whole and beginning to see myself emerging from this. But, how long is enough? Well, last week I re-read a piece I had written a week before and realized I was tired. Tired of writing about it. Slight panic, is this what it feels like to let go of yet another layer of the heaviness of this grief? Is this what it feels like to inch closer to accepting him as a spiritual being, as a guide to me now? Is this what it feels like to stop wishing for things to be as they were? Yes, it seems so. I move through my fear of shedding yet another layer of this, and stand back and look at where I've been, all that I've done. Ok, he knows if he were here physically I would be just as in love with him as I always was, but he's not here in that way anymore, I know he wants to see me healing. I know he wants me to feel whole again. I stand tall, I stand proud. There is light. Thank you.

Why I am here

Control, out of my hands, in your hands, in his hands, in her hands, in the metaphorical hands of the Divine creator, that bringith and takith at willith, and I hold my hands up in the air, I surrender to the knowing that control is out of my hands. But it seems I agreed to all of this at a time before I can remember, but since I can't remember, I have to simply trust that all of this is for my greater good, for my evolution, for my journey, and trust that we will meet again, and trust you come to me every time I call. A love so real it leaves me gasping for air sometimes when another layer of grief is exposed, when I realize again and again, in all shapes and forms that I will not hold you again in this life, there are no more embraces, no more shoulders to cry on, no more adventures together. You had us going full speed, a speed that was not sustainable indeed, but here I am somehow sustaining, learning how to believe in things I can't see. I throw my hands up, defeated, but yet somehow better, somehow closer to remembering why I'm here, a foggy dream we have to feel our way out of, experiences, people, all planned for our growth... All of this growing has given me growing pains. And so I stretch my way through them, I dance my way around them, I sing my song to them, and I remember why I am here, and put my hands up in the air and I love. I love with all my might this human experience, my children, myself, this life, with all its joys and sorrows.